It is possible for a covert narcissist and an overt one to get into a roller coaster relationship trying to fill their needs like the one described in the article. However, if you are manipulated to feel guilt and concern by a narcissist, you are more likely a co-dependent person who needs a stable parent figure and a narcissist has found you. Narcissistic relationships can be confusing. Often both people will want to get praise, security and ego gratification from each other and co-dependency will result between two narcissists.
I tend to become easily used by narcissists. I also find that American culture worships the narcissistic personality type. I have friends like this. I was taught to seek out the company of overachievers, rather than seeking out people with whom I could genuinely share love. The culture I grew up in devalued love. It valued money, genius, material success and accomplishment instead.
You can test a person this way: do they always want you to play a lesser role? Do they subtly want you to serve their ego, not your own? A narcissist can approach making this happen in many different ways. But eventually, you will end up off balance with this person. They use subtle means to rope you in. They will praise you. They will be charming and intelligent, but focus all the energy on you. Initially your friendship will be exciting and wonderful.
But this goes out the window once they get the hook in you. One day you realize you are no longer an equal in the relationship. You started to depend on their attention which people have every right to do in friendships. But a narcissist will withhold it. It is Pavlovian training: they dole it out when it serves their purposes. You are the child who is fed only when you are pleasing to mommy and daddy. Usually this is an important part, the part that has your own needs! You cannot have a down-to-earth, straightforward relationship with this person.
They turn the world around so you are always on the lower rung. You loved them, opened up to them, thus giving them all this material to work with. They will turn it around at you. They will make you apologize for your own needs, for being who you are — and you start to feel disgusted with yourself. But you also feel obligated for their feelings.
Yet narcissists are very tricky because they sometimes truly have positive qualities that people love. They are not always pure evil. They offer some things you want in your life, but with the dangerous price tag. They are likable but self-interested politicians, not above using human beings to gain their power and control. They will share your secrets with others to serve their own needs. When they sense you are catching on, they start praising you again — and use love and concern to reel you back.
But there is no real objective. It is a game intended to keep the status quo going. Some of the most dangerous narcissists I have met are therapists. It is easy for someone to use this role to feed off clients who they can keep in a more vulnerable role. Therapy can be used like a Venus flytrap. You experience your own inner strength and power getting sucked away from you in that kind of session. I have a therapist who is not like this, but I also have encountered three covert narcissist therapists. That is something to be aware of. Just trying to sort out the manipulations, half truths and full on lies will twist a reasonable person into an emotional knot.
The writer sounds more like a codependent…not a covert narcissist. Writing like this show self insight, covert does not have that. So I was excited to finally find a covert narcissists own perspective and sharing their struggles with us, but alas, I too believe this person is a classic co-dependant. My suffering partner of two years will attest. But where can I find such help? I have so far failed to find one site offering advice for those wanting to change.
Covert Narcississts are the lost souls that people have long given up on. We are the devil incarnate and to be avoided at all costs and our victims sometimes justifiably would have us all rounded up and dumped on some far away island never to emotionally or physically harm another fabulous, empathetic, generous and genuine woman or man on this planet. They all feel misunderstood, but maybe in a way, they truly are. What if we could do just that? So I will continue to seek help and the first step will be through therapy.
Perhaps one day I might even buck the trend and write a book to help others. God knows just one of us needs to follow through with something once in our life. He believes that it is possible for narcissists to change if they truly want to. Brett, I personally disagree entirely on those with Naricissistic PDisorder not being able to heal. It does require a great deal of self reflection and learning how to identify, acknowledge then substitute your innermost limited beliefs about yourself, e.
Brett I really appreciate what you say here. Thank for the courage. I have been married to a covert narcissist for nearly 23 years and always knew there was something deeply wrong but I never knew he was a narcissist. I have just discovered everything through a long lost friend who heard my story and and said my husband fits the profile. I want to ask if you could share lore about what exactly your girlfriend did to show you in the mirror and what made you really see. I believe that is the important part.
I believe my husband would want to change if he could see. But he stays blind and in this game of smoke and mirrors and blaming me. Can you give me some insight? Because I have hope. But I am so weary and my 4 kids are suffering. Thank you!!! Successful intensive psychotherapy can and does exist. But, at the same time she rarely makes sacrifices on my behalf, often hiding behind her anxiety in order to avoid having to do social things with me.
Lots of people on here are talking about diagnosing their own partners — but where can I go for FREE therapy or guidance online if I myself am a covert narcissist? Your email address will not be published. Do You Confuse Admiration with Love? Tales of a Covert Narcissist. Narcissism By PsychAlive. About the Author. Help support our effort to bring psychological information to the public by making a donation. Related Articles. Reply I really think your therapist is wrong.
Reply I too am married to a covert emotional manipulative narcissist. He admits nothing Reply. Me too!!! Dear AH…. I pray for you AH, and send you loving vibes, and the knowledge that you are never alone! Good luck to everyone! Reply You have to stay the course and do the hard work. I would say yes, your husband is a narcissist. They always put themselves first, with no regard to their victims when they have discarded. Hugs from Arizona.
- Alexiss First Day of School (I am a STAR Personalized Book Series 1)!
- Adaptation (Book 3 in the Witchs Inheritance series).
- Sweet Tea and Secrets (An Adams Grove Novel Book 1).
You are not alone. Ironic you mentioned Jim Carrey….. It is a utterly devastating example of the products of a narcissist being in your life and being allowed to continue their abuses of people near to them, they Never stop, only continue the narcissistic abuse cycle, devastate and discard…. I suggest everybody who cares about this issue read all they can about wrongful death case her family is pursuing in the California court system, and honor this victim of abuse by hearing her voice and story now. Narcissistic abuse is a Public Health crisis and we need to inform ourselves and others about them, to prevent tragedies like what happened to this poor beautiful soul.
Thank you for pointing this out. I sent my narcissist packing 4. I have had proper NC for 4 weeks and today I laughed at something on TV for the first time since we split. I hope you made it. These guys cannot feel. They are not working from a set of emotions but from a sense of what he needs right now to satisfy his own selfish needs. Stay Strong n pray. The worst thing in the world is loving a Narcissist. I have been through it with my Narc soon to be ex husband off n on for 17 yrs. What a waste of time. I know what u are going through n u are NOT alone. Many Blessings.
I do the same. I am NC again but I find myself questioning whether or not I misjudged him and if I could have done more or it was I who caused the breakdown. These articles and going through the list of things he has done to me helps. I wish I had a time machine, or at least a remote control so I could fast forward through this part. As soon as I went no contact he moved in a new girl from another state and bought her a brand new car for precisely the amount that he bullied me down in our settlement agreement.
Now he is posting relentlessly on social media I have him blocked, but keep hearing about it and taking her to all of the social events with our mutual friends. I accidentally ran into him last week and — just as I predicted — received an email from him 2 days later. However, the relief I feel at finally ceasing to respond is incomparable.
I know that this tacit abuse will end sooner or later. I spent 8 years suffering with a man I now realize was a monster. But who packs up and moves in with a stranger less than 3 weeks after meeting him? I feel stronger than I ever knew possible since I got the strength to finally leave. Now I am free and I am so grateful I made it out with my life and my sanity intact.
The power of God can change everything! Yet somehow, over time, these people seem to be able to climb the social ladder and stabilize. I myself was a thief, and I changed my ways. It took time, to change my mindset. But the biggest change, was my faith. Not like the rest of the world sees it. But to truth, that allowed me in a non-judgemental way to change myself to becoming a better person. Can a narcissist change? Yes, when he understands his issues, and is genuine about wanting to change it, and tries.
He must be given grace to at least try to change. And the people who have suffered under it, are best off if they can look back to that relationship, and remain honorful towards the man or woman , even if a lot of bad happened. Reminds me of the story of the one who is without issues, throw the first stone. We all have issues. They are satanic and their nature, and with all the principals they keep, thusly an enemy of God and His children.
Even Jesus knew the Philistines would never change and they saw the face of God on Earth and witnessed his miracles, yet they killed him for it…. Please be aware sometimes there is just evil on this earth and it will never change, nor does that evil want too. Many Blessings to you. Very beautifully said L. I always blamed it on his combat PTSD. The crazy thing is I use to tell him that he use to have emotion when we met after being cold to me for years. He always said no I never did. And me saying yes you did. This will be my 3rd day No Contact.
Purchasing the course in 2 weeks when I have the money. Want to buy one of youre nooks Kim in the meantime but no clue which one to start with.
Hi Brianna! My tought is that he cannot find another supply, and he obesses on the time you feed him with authetic unabashed naive supply of you. He cannot accept the supply is gone. My heart is broken open to you and all of you fighting. Thank you for sharing a place to anchor against the winds of recovery. What do you do if they continue to intrude into your life? My computer was hacked. My cell phone. How do you prove it?
About the Author
Hi Kate, I dealt with that and it was definitely no picnic. In the meantime, what kind of phone do you have? The worst was the computer. My ex did the same, with the help of his new supply behind my back… might have even been since day 1 of our 18 month relationship. They hacked ALL my accounts and devices… I will get free soon.
Do I still think of him, sure? Do I still wish things had been different for 6 years, sure? The reality is, I was the one that brought love, understanding, stability, compassion and empathy and great sex to our lives. I once believed that anyone could change their thoughts and actions. Not so with the personality that is required of the Narc. Well, no pun intended, his well was always dry even with promises of a new tomorrow. I am grateful that there are no more lies, rages and scapegoating coming my way from him. And you betcha that my eyes are wide open now for any man or woman that I allow into my life who means to do harm to me.
I will take a gazillion days of cancer over a millisecond of his abuse. Thank you for sharing your triumphant story, Cindy. I wish you all the best in your recovery. They robbed you of however many years? Beautiful, Carolyn. Thank you Kim for your help for all of us! Yeah so did my ex …. I never existed for him ….
Oh my word. This is my story too. Maybe they could change…if they wanted to. So happy to be truly free! Sad… For a while and then once in a while. I can pray for them and try to forgive them, but they are NOT welcome in my life anymore. Narcissists have to be sincere about wanting to change and they must admit they have a problem. Too many of them are in denial because they want to blame somebody else. Narcissists are responsible for looking within themselves and trying to become better people…until then, they are toxic to others. I had hoped that my ex would change. That he would stop the rages, the blame, the accusations, the verbal and emotional abuse.
I had to let him go and I also had to let go of the hope that he would change. People will only change if they want to. Trying to reason with an angry, abusive person was futile…so I had to be the catalyst for change by ending the relationship. Have been there. For over 4 years he kept up the facade of being a great guy. It really seemed like we were made for each other. It has been 2 years since the mask came off and I experienced the cold hearted discard.
Totally broke my heart but really what rational person would want to risk putting up with that for the rest of their lives. No contact really does help you clear your head so that you can be rational. You revisit all the experiences and conversations and you see it, not from your perspective but from his as you now know him to be, not from what you would have expected from the man he pretended to be.
I was in a relationship with a narcesist for four years. I was discarded no less than 7 times. No contact works. One day at a time. A person will regain their inner strength. I feel better already. Yes he is in the back of my mind still, but it gets better everyday. I read these posts all day every day searching for my inner strength. I know what he is, who he is and that he will never change. I have changed everything about myself that I no longer know who I am. Everything about this relationship has destroyed me as the woman I used to love.
I have lost my sanity. This page is what keeps me going.. I appreciate all of you for sharing your stories. I so desire to encourage you with living words. Perhaps we can unpack some of your sentences and alter them?
You are not insane only devastated and abused. I pray for you to be strengthened to leave…. I can relate to yin yang, i feel like i have lost myself and cannot find her. I am right there with you. I cannot believe what I have become. He nearly discarded me last week and I panicked and convinced him to stay.
I feel like I have lost my mind. I should have went NC then. I disgust myself. Whatever gives motivation, latch on and use it for your ticket OUT. It will get better if you will care enough about yourself to stick up for YOU. Yin Yang. I absolutely understand that feeling.
One of his friends one day pointed out that I never laugh or show any kind of emotion and then the chord struck. I was watching a comedy and realised that I was not laughing anymore. I had become another person- not me. Its been just 2 weeks I am not in contact and in hiding. I know my head is a mess right now but I also know I will get through. I am blessed to have so many who have there for me. Yin thank you for sharing.
My mind never shuts off. I have trouble sleeping because of it. Wished you could get out of the toxic relationship and go no contact. This will help you recover some brain space to do what you need to do for you. Kim — you knocked it out of the park with this post. Furthermore, society likes to provide us with hope stories in our childhood which also allows us to disregard all the signs and signals that the relationship is toxic.
Thank you so much for your posts. That is a self-serving, soul-sucking black hole which will devour you if you let it. Such are the clues things will never get better. Sandy — your words are the truth of my life. Leaving after 45 years is devastating. My whole life has been nullified. None of it was real. He never cared. He has lost his 4 children and 9 grandchildren, and he is happy. I know I still have what are now fleeting thoughts of my ex, but they are quickly dispatched when I remember the reality of his cruelty and avoid lingering memories of all the ways he purposely pretended to love me.
I wish you comfort and strength to triumph, so you emerge a stronger and smarter person for it. They say these narcissists are eternally empty and devoid of the ability to meaningfully relate to another. You are the one with a true shot at happiness, especially once you scratch from your life people who cause you pain.
Revista Envío - Narcissism: The Epidemic of Our Time
Hang in there! Oh Sandy — thank you for your kind words! They came at just a moment when I really needed encouragement. So glad to help even a little. It probably is a bit shocking too, to be able to read so many accounts similar to your own. Just hang in there and stick to your guns. I was absolutely miserable, anxious, afraid, and despondent not too long ago—but truly I feel so much better now.
I would encourage anyone having a really hard time to reach out for help in your community. Sandy, kudos to you. I remember crying during a situation, and my crying was forbidden. How cruel to make a statement to a spouse, in a time that she needs some emotional bonding. About the best they can do is fake it. Absolutely NONE of it. Hope kept me sick for a long time. Hope in abusive relationships is pretty much loading the gun and handing it back to the Narc. And they will shoot again. We always want to give someone the benefit of the doubt because we are good hearted people.
But there has to be a cut off point of how much hope you will allow to alter your reality. A very insightful comment, MSK. You are right and I hope others see your evolution from self-defeating patterns to empowering ones. Wishing you all the best in your recovery. I agree! I clung to hope for so long and he never changed ever, just came up with other ways that I should change so that the things he did wouldnt bother me anymore. Sharing is Caring. Sharing is caring. Your healed life starts with one step There was an error submitting your subscription.
Please try again. First Name. Email Address. We use this field to detect spam bots. If you fill this in, you will be marked as a spammer. Read More Articles. Thank you for reading… Reply. Anonymous says October 4, That is the hardest part for me also! Emerald Starrr says October 3, I get it. Janet says October 2, Just wondering how the advice would change if the narcissist is my adult son who is estranged from the entire family. Anonymous says October 2, This is an amazing article! Marinela Larsen says October 2, They will not change.
Rafaela says August 7, Thank you for your texts, it helps me to understand and feel the pain and let it go…. Gwen Stewart says June 29, This topic was so on time. Phil says June 27, If your a perfectionist it might just keep you hooked into this very unhealthy relationship with a narcissist. Like I have to succeed at everything or I am a total failure Reply.
Anonymous says June 27, Carol, thank you so much for sharing your story. June says June 27, They thrive on you being stuck. Just me says June 27, I am out!! Natalia says June 27, how do you delete or block your only daughter? Katharine says October 2, Natalia — I am with you — this has happened to me with my only daughter as well. I wish I could meet you — it seems to be incredibly difficult to find other mothers in this awful heartbreaking situation Reply.
Carol Rudnicki says December 1, I am a 71 year old female married for 43 years to a Narcissist who is now 80 yrs. Kendra says December 3, My heart breaks open with hope and prayers for you and me, because your sharing has nudged by trust to the Lord. Charlotte Sue Slemp says December 10, I have been married 56 years to my narcisscistic husband, only realizing about 4 years ago what a narcissis was. Deziraye says June 27, Wow , Your so beautifully strong. Thanks for your post: Jerri AnnPriest Reply. Shirley Akpelu says November 28, I have no hope left after 30 years and the narc has not changed.
Geraldine Skinner says November 28, The idiot was a text book narc, the one thing he does slightly differently is his social media. Lisa says June 27, Geraldine — wow. Geraldine says October 2, Yes, quite. Bonnie says January 26, I waited 40 years for him to change and I left last May I told him I wanted a divorce I wait it will not happen move on Reply.
Hugs Reply. Sandy says December 14, May Almighty God, Who will never let you down nor leave you, comfort, strengthen and keep you through this difficult time, to the glory of His powerful name. Pamela says May 24, I also got traded in for a younger model, after helping him for 25 years to build a VERY successful business.
Kim Saeed says November 8, Hi L. Jilly says March 28, I sent my narcissist packing 4. Dickie says July 29, I hope you made it. Many Blessings Reply. Mam says November 28, I do the same. JLC says January 12, As soon as I went no contact he moved in a new girl from another state and bought her a brand new car for precisely the amount that he bullied me down in our settlement agreement. Many Blessings to you Reply. Yvonne says November 17, Exactly tried for 23 years all of these years praying and hoping he would change.
He is his God and he traded me and his marriage in for a truck. My youth wasted I am older now. What Kim said about hope is so true it woke me up today. You hit it right on the nail. Gwen Stewart says November 28, Very beautifully said L. Brianna says August 30, This will be my 3rd day No Contact. Want to buy one of youre nooks Kim in the meantime but no clue which one to start with Reply.
Kim Saeed says September 1, Hi Brianna! Kim XoXo Reply. Mb says August 15, I love your articles. Kate Davis says August 15, What do you do if they continue to intrude into your life? Kate Davis says August 15, IPhone. Chrissy the Conqueror says November 27, My ex did the same, with the help of his new supply behind my back… might have even been since day 1 of our 18 month relationship.
Kim Saeed says August 12, Thank you for sharing your triumphant story, Cindy. Kim Saeed says August 12, Beautiful, Carolyn. Ella says August 12, Yeah so did my ex …. Mb says August 15, Oh my word. Matt says August 12, This what mines did Reply. Laurie says August 11, I was in a relationship with a narcesist for four years.
Yin Yang says August 9, I read these posts all day every day searching for my inner strength. Gwen Stewart says November 28, Yin thank you for sharing. I wish you the best.. Ndraughon gmail. Kathie says August 9, Sandy — your words are the truth of my life. Kathie says August 11, Oh Sandy — thank you for your kind words!
Triumph over Tragedy: Could the Person You Love Be a Narcissist?
Sandy says August 11, So glad to help even a little. Gwen Stewart says November 28, Sandy, kudos to you. Hugs, Kim Reply. Kathie says August 9, This! This was my life for 45 years of marriage!! Karin says August 8, Nope. Etcetera etcetera and so on.